Now I’m right here, and I’m right now
And I’m hoping, knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over
My shadow days are over now

John Mayer, cliche though he may be, has somehow hit the nail on the head.  This feels hopeful to me...and speaks to the knowledge I am slowly finding of what it means to have a life rich with both joy and deep pain.  There are strata to this life of mine...a layer of hope, a layer of love, a thick and brittle layer of dark hours.

I gave up the hope of making the relationship work this week.  I still dream, secretly in my quiet places, that someday she will get better and come back to me.  But slowly the response to my own self becomes....there is no coming BACK anymore, honey.  She was never where I thought she was to begin with.  And so I find myself alone, yet not alone.

The label "alone" has scared me so badly for so long.  Who will want me?  Who will I be if I am by myself?  What if I'm a - gasp - LOSER?  As if....as if my presence on the face of the earth is somehow validated by those who believe I am worthy of their love.

Good heavens.  I'm asking myself, does this really go all the way back to childhood days when the cool kids had boyfriends and girlfriends?  I suppose it does, now that I think about it.  Oh, sheesh.  Grownup Kristen has just flipped her hair knowingly.  We're a big kid now; we've discovered that validation comes from good coffee at sunrise, wine with friends and deep belly laughs, the good we do in the world, having a strong work ethic.  None of those are predicated on having a "someone."

Thank God for blogging.  I'll come back and read this when I need to remember what beauty I hold all on my own.